|VAMPIRE THE MASQUERADE-REDEMPTION|
|RULES TO (UN)LIVE BY|

|BACK|

These were sent to me. I did not write them. Enjoy.
1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there when he is dead.
2. There are thousands of people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle, a rocket launcher and grenades.
4. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a Burglar Alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me in my "sleep" while he's under arrest for attempted break and enter.
5. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.
6. I will wear a watch, and verify what time the next day's sunrise occurs, every evening, before heading out for the night's activities.
7. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.
8. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grow older, and they will become whiny and disobedient.
9. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.
10. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two-bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.
11. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
12. My home will have mirrors, but they will be located in places such as the bathroom, where I am unlikely to be present at the same time as the Hero or his friends.
13. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly, or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.
14. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice jug, and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
15. I will get a good voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I... am... Count... Dra...cu...la."
16. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
17. I will be able to explain porphyria, and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
18. I will force myself to look concerned, rather than hungry, when someone accidentally cuts himself.
19. A kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
20. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
21. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
22. All servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
23. Servants, concubines, and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
24. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
25. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
26. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines, and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the Hero's True Love is probably tastier.
27. All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes, and garlic before I approach them.
28. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
29. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community, and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
30. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see that crucifix protect them from an hail of gunfire.
31. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
32. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
33. All concubines will save the loose, transparent, flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather, which provides more protection so they last longer in a fight.
34. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and presence of bite marks impossible to identify.
35. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.
36. More vampires means a lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.
37. I will anoint my mustache with oil of peppermint, and take to keeping a white enameled washer in my mouth while in public. After all, what is more human than a breath mint?